Sunday, October 02, 2005

I'm truly blessed.
I'm the luckiest girl in the world, and I didn't even know it. 

I've been so caught up with the things around me, that I didn't stop once to count my blessings. I guess I could say that schoolwork had definitely taken its toll on me. I let it control my life, I let it make me so stressed out, I was losing control of everything-from my academics to my social life. I've been so blessed with so many things, I can never thank God enough for all the blessings I've received from him. 

I realized for the past week, I've been selfish, paranoid, slacking off, and clingy. I hate myself for that fact, but I am ever so thankful to the people around me who still accepted me for I who am and for my imperfections. Thank you for loving me in spite of my shortcomings as a friend. Thank you for caring, thank you for listening and understanding. 

I don't want this to sound like a eulogy or anything; I just want to express what's in my heart. I have never felt so lucky, blessed, and loved-and I thank each and every one of you for making me feel this way. Thanks for standing by me, for accepting me for who I am, and for believing in me. You guys know who you are. Thank YOU.

My schoolwork may be slightly mediocre, but at least I have a social life (which, by the way, I am planning on ditching now that the finals are coming up. Haha :D Kidding…).

Thank you for everything.
I am truly lucky to have you guys around. *hugz*


A novel was written on Sunday, October 02, 2005 at 04:38 pm
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Saturday, October 01, 2005

Without the hurt, the heart is hollow.
I used to love it when it rained.
But once I started college, I began to dislike the rain.
Maybe it's because I got all poetic about it--
That the sky was crying, that's why teardrops fell from the heavens.
(If it's sunny, our skins are crying tears of joy, that's why we're sweating. haha Remember this? Those were the days...*sigh*)
Because of that fact, most people know me as that girl who hated it whenever it rained.
There's just something about the rain that makes me depressed and start to reminisce on everything around me.
It's shining brightly outside, so why do I feel so sad?
Right now, I can't help but wish for it to rain.
Then maybe, just maybe, under the rain..
...noone can see the tears that fall from my eyes.



***

HEYA! Don't forget to watch MEL AND JOEY in GMA tomorrow night at around 7:45pm-ish. My blockmates and I will be in there! Hahahaha :D Oh, and my interview will be there, too. Ehrm, according to them, they're featuring a footage of me. haha :D

***

Maita and Moks. Their last Ulan Scene

Sinta: "Anong nangyari sa iyo?"
Narding: "Anong nangyari sa akin? Ang mundo..."

*sighs*


Hey..it's the funny farm in Taft! Check out Charles' face. haha :D
Joke lang Charles, labs kita! :P


P.S. Nicked that off Cris's LJ. Bwahahahaha. I miss everyone.


A novel was written on Saturday, October 01, 2005 at 12:38 pm
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Why can't I stop these tears from falling?
I don't understand anything anymore. Nothing makes any sense. Why does life have to be this difficult? It's just so hard. I don't wanna live a lie. I don't want to pretend that nothing's hurting me. I feel like I'm stuck in a moment, and only you can get me out of it.

Love can build you up
Love can tear you down
Love can change the world
This is what I've found
Love can make you happy
Love can make you cry

Love can be the best
Until it's passed you by

Can you fake the highs?
Can you take the lows?
Can you handle everything love throws?



***

I am SO stressed out.
We've got lots of deadlines to meet.

Monday: Math HW, Lit Play
Tuesday: Fil Readings, ES Plant Care Report
Wednesday: Math LT (aaahh), Fil Bonus Papers
Thursday: ES LT
Friday: English Book Review

I've got a Math test coming up and I don't understand a thing. Math reminds me of YOU. I can't think about MATH when all I can think about is YOU. I know I shouldn't let it control my life--so why am I feeling this way?

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear

It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind





A novel was written on Saturday, October 01, 2005 at 11:26 am
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Friday, September 30, 2005

Random Thoughts...
RANDOM THOUGHT #1 : THE WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE IF MEN WORE PINK.
I love it when guys wear anything pink. They look HOT. haha :D Seriously speaking, when I look at a guy wearing pink, I see a man screaming with confidence, unafraid of his sexuality. Guys who wear pink are Confident, Clean-looking, and they also remind me of Cotton Candy. haha :P


RANDOM THOUGHT #2 : THE PEBBLES IN THE ZEN GARDEN HAVE SEVERAL USES.
Hanging out in the Zen Garden for our Lit play rehearsals made me realize that the pebbles found in there have several purposes. You can skip pebbles on the benches, throw pebbles at people to stop them from bugging you, shoot pebbles into people's bags to annoy the heck out of them, use these pebbles as paperweight, and finally, you can make a Pebble Dance--I did. Ask me for the Pebble Dance choreography if you're interested in dancing the Pebble Dance. haha XD "Winner!" (quoted from Sir Aris).
Any more suggestions for the use of pebbles found in the Zen Garden?


RANDOM THOUGHT #3 : SWOON AND FAINT IF A GUY SERENADES YOU WITH A GUITAR.
Cris played the guitar during INTACT. After playing a couple of songs, he came up to me playing his guitar and singing to me a song from AHS Dulaang Sibol's "Sinta". I was turning into mush then. *sighs* I love the songs from the musical and I also love it when a guy sings whilst playing a guitar. *swoons*


RANDOM THOUGHT #4 : MAC WAS LOOKING AT ME!
I was hanging out in the caf with MM and Maika when suddenly I felt like someone was watching me. I turned around and guess who I saw staring at me? It was none other than MAC, my ex-happy crush! haha :P He was looking at me, so I looked back at him. Too bad he's no longer my happy crush or even my crush--I would've been kilig all over. haha :D But my heart belongs to someone else, and he knows that I love him more than MAC. MAC is just a happy crush, nothing but a distant memory, whereas my love for "him" is something deeper--and that's all he ever needs to know. What can I say? When I love, I love wholeheartedly. :D

RANDOM THOUGHT #5 : EVERYONE ELSE HAS A BLUE SHIRT.
Back in the caf, I noticed that the guy in the table adjacent to mine and the guy in the table adjacent to the guy in the table adjacent to mine both had the same color of shirt as mine. At least they didn't have the same blue polo shirt I was wearing. haha :P But if you come to think of it, it would be cool to wear the exact same thing with someone else. I find that highly amusing, don't you think? :D


***

I hate it when PARANOIA gets the better of me.
It's just because I'm so afraid of losing...YOU.
We haven't spoken since then...
How are you today?


A novel was written on Friday, September 30, 2005 at 07:44 pm
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Thursday, September 29, 2005

It's that same song over and over again.
My favorite song at the moment is "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt. *cry* It's sooo nice and sad--just the right song to suit my emo mood. haha :D I love the instrumental guitar in this song and the lyrics are all "awww..." *sniff sniff*

James Blunt - You're Beautiful Lyrics
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.


I love this song so much that it was the only song I was listening to over and over again (18 consecutive times) in Maika's I-pod before classes started. I never got tired of hearing that song...I love it, I love it, I love it.

Did I mention that I love that song? It's so sweet yet so sad... :(

Parting is such sweet sorrow

***

I think I'm in an emotional rollercoaster at the moment. The only question I can ask myself right now is "WHY? WHY DID I HAVE TO REALIZE THIS NOW THAT THE SEM'S ALMOST OVER AND THE FINALS ARE COMING UP?".

The right Shakespearean question I should ask right now is, "Romeo, Whereforth Art Thou, Romeo?" You alone know what it means. I shouldn't bother at all. I complicate things even more... =(

Even though deep inside it's killing me,
Because I love you, I've learned to set you free.
And I just want you to always remember.
That you will be in my heart, now and forever.


***

Marc: (taking out the White Rabbit candy wrapper)
Maika: Why are you taking the wrapper out?
Me: Yeah, it's edible.
Marc: Ayoko nga. Inuuto niyo lang ako eh.
Maika: No, you can eat the wrapper, really, you can. (eats wrapper)
Marc: (tries eating the wrapper and eats the whole candy)

Haha..Marc's so funny. He thinks Maika and I are trying to kill him or something. :P Dude, chill..hahahaha ;)

Your Love Style is Agape
You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.


A novel was written on Thursday, September 29, 2005 at 02:56 pm
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Now you know.

Love is always bestowed as a gift, freely, willingly, and without expectation.


I once told a good friend of mine that "when falling in love with friends, make sure that your friendship is so strong, that not even love can get in the way." Who knew that I would need my own advice as a guide in falling in love? To be honest, I've never fallen in love with anyone before--not in this way. Happy crushes come here and there, but this one's different. It isn't a crush, that's for sure. It goes beyond. I dunno..it's because I didn't fall for his looks or strengths--I fell for his imperfections. If loving someone would mean loving him because of his perfections, then loving him wholeheartedly because of his imperfections would mean loving him twice as much, don't you think? Like what I've mentioned in the first sentence of this blog entry, love is bestowed upon us as a gift without any expectations. I realized that the main reason why I fell in love with him was because during the times we spent together, as I got to know him better, as I got to know that man behind the mask, I realized that he was...human, and that mere fact made me love him even more.

He knows I love him. He knows. I was kinda glad that after he found out, things weren't as awkward as I imagined them to be. I mean, we were both laughing about the whole matter (apart from the emotional part of the conversation which left me so overwhelmed afterwards my eyes were brimming with tears of relief/joy/whatevers). Dude, I can look at you in the eye now. ahahahaha :P

I'm not really expecting him to love me the same way I love him. I just want him to know that my love for him will never change. I'm not afraid to let him know how much I love and care for him. After all, if you have the courage to love, you have the courage to suffer. If you love someone with all your heart, you have to learn to set him free--and that, my friends, is what I have exactly done. I let him go. After all, his happiness is also my happiness. 

Follow your heart. Follow where it leads you. Sooner or later, everything will fall into place.

When you love someone,
And you love them with your heart,
It never disappears when you're apart.
When you love someone
And you've done all you can do,
You set them free.
And if that love was true,
When you love someone
It will all come back to you
---FORGET PARIS


A novel was written on Wednesday, September 28, 2005 at 01:14 pm
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005

At peace.
I talked to a friend of mine this morning/afternoon.
All I can say is that I am now at peace.
Things are starting to make sense (although not completely).
I kinda missed our chats. Nowadays, we don't bond much anymore.
Dude, if you need anything, you know I'm right here for ya, ayt? ;) *hugz*

***

Gah!! Here's what I have to accomplish for this week:
1. One English paper on Pasyon
2. FOUR Filipino reaction papers (Weh)
3. Two Lit papers
4. One ES Plant Care project Lab report
5. One ES IP hard and soft copy

Need I say more?

***

I am such a coward. *berates self for being such a chicken*
Chicken. Chicken. Chicken. Turkey. Harhar.

***

Jon: AL, talaga bang kulot ang buhok mo?
Me: Yeah, bakit?
Jon: Wala lang. Naaliw ako eh. Kala ko pinaperm mo or something.

People would often ask me that question. FYI, natural curls lang yan. hahaha :P


A novel was written on Tuesday, September 27, 2005 at 03:40 pm
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Monday, September 26, 2005

Taking chances.
Paglipas ng Mayo
Pagsungaw ng Hulyo
Nang ika'y lumayo
Ilaw ri'y naglaho


Ang mga kandila
Nangasipagluksa
At sa pagtingala
Wala ni isang tala

Dilim dito't doon
Pumaligid noon
Kung kaya't natanto
Ng puso kong ito
Na lahat ng ilaw
Na sa aki'y tanglaw
Ay ikaw... ay ikaw...
IKAW.

Kung ikaw ay wala
Wala rin ni tala

Kung ika'y kapiling
Kahit tala'y saling
Sapagka't ang ilaw
Nasa aki'y tanglaw
Ay ikaw... ay ikaw...
IKAW.

-Sinta


***

I was on the way out of my math class when the GMA 7 crew stopped me in my tracks, asking if they could interview me for their show, "Mel and Joey" (huy, guys, manood kayo this Sunday 8pm. whahahahaha). Ayun. They strapped a microphone thingie on me, and people were staring at us, wondering why I was being videoed and interviewed. harhar. >:P Tas dinamay ko pa si Ian para sumama na rin siya sa interview. whehehe...thanks, dude. Sikat ang block R3 ah. Masyadong publicized. Celebrity course ata yung napasukan ko eh. whahaha :P

Shuckers..nalilito na ako sa math. I need help--fast! Next week na LT namin. PATAY.

BTW, Congrats to Nix, Jeff, Hilla, and Nina for winning in the finals yesterday. I'm so proud of you guys! *hugz*

***


I wanna watch "The Corpse Bride".
Johnny Depp is HOT. haha :P

***

"how can you assume to be friends with someone when all you think about when you look at him is how much more you really want?"-
---joey, DAWSON'S CREEK


I'm sorry for falling for you...


A novel was written on Monday, September 26, 2005 at 03:24 pm
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

I'm sorry I can't be perfect...

The eyes are windows to one's soul. They betray everything that words cannot simply give meaning to. Every emotion and everything else can be betrayed just by simply looking deeply into someone's eyes.

That was why I couldn't look at you in the eye when I spoke to you today.

I guess I was afraid...
afraid that you could see through my soul...
afraid that you could read what was in my heart...
afraid that you would understand the words left unspoken...

I know that you and I have a tendency to understand each other without any words just by simply looking at each other in the eye, that's why I didn't want to look at you when we were having small chat earlier. It scared me.

I've come to realize that for the past few days, I've been confusing myself with things that aren't really confusing at all. I've been problematizing over things so small, they need not be problematized over.

I've come to accept the fact that you may not love me the same way I love you.  Last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that time passed by and when you grew older, fat and ugly, I loved and cared for you still. Recently, I have been debating with myself, wondering whether I was simply infatuated with you, but then I realized that no, I loved you for the man you were, the man you are, and the man that you will be--and nothing will ever change that.

Watching "Sinta" by Dulaang Sibol further strengthened my vindication. It talked about acceptance of a loved one for who he or she is through good times and bad times. It talked about forgiveness. It talked about the power of love--that as long as you both love each other for who you are, everything will fall into place. Through sunshine and rain, through triumphs and failures, love makes life worth living for.

It doesn't matter if you don't love me the same way I love you. Sometimes I feel that I'm not good enough for you--that you deserve someone better. On the otherhand, sometimes I feel that maybe I can help ease your pain, cos I don't want to see you hurt. Your happiness is my happiness. I'm just sorry I can't be perfect, not even for you. Though in the midst of my imperfections, I try to be as perfect as I can be for you. Even though my love for you may never be reciprocated, it's okay. There are some things in life that you have to deal with to make you stronger as a person.

When you feel unloved or all alone, just remember that friend of yours who was there for you through the ups and downs of life, who constantly loved you for who you are..

...the woman who truly and deeply loved that man behind the mask
.

***

Okay, enough emo moment for one entry. If you've already read until this point, that could mean that
a) you're intrigued with my non-existent telenovela love life, or
b) you're simply BORED
. haha :P

Had our taek finals today. I lost the match in the quarter-finals. I wanted to go home already so I didn't really take the whole match seriously, but my psycho/aggressive/intense sparring mate was out for the kill (and I mean OUT FOR THE KILL..I think she wanted a medal or something). Rar. I ended up with a HUGE bruise on my left leg. Oh, well. Glad that's over.

Shout-outs to the people who made the wait in the taek finals less boring (Weee...^o^). Thanks to Hilla, Margie, Nina, Anne, Acey, Kev, Paul, Sibs, Jez, Renei, Cel, Biba, Abby, Bjorn, Mikey, Silver, Julia, and everyone else whom I forgot to mention. Sibs, I don't think you should've lost. You were good mahn! Hilla and Nina, I'm rooting for you guys for the finals! weee...haha ^o^ I also got to see James play in the men's futsal. Mahn is that guy GOOD. They won in the futsal game thingie. Yay! Congrats, James!
To Nix, Jeff, Lean, Chols, Maycee, and the rest of the bball peeps, good luck in the games!

***

I watched "Lovestruck" as part of our Filipino bonus paper.
Kala ko sobrang jologs na film.
Bakit naman akong natamaan? :D Weh.
MM, you have to watch it. haha :P


A novel was written on Sunday, September 25, 2005 at 05:00 pm
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Friday, September 23, 2005

It's you...it's always been YOU
I can't hide it any longer--really, I can't.

I'm so confused at the moment.
I really don't know what to do.
All I know is that I think I'm slowly falling in love with you.
I don't know why. It just happened.
I didn't mean to fall in love.
I'm sorry.

Right now, I'm living in this lie
Trying to pretend that everything's normal..
That we're just good friends hanging out and having a blast
While deep inside my heart is crying out
Wishing that you knew exactly what was in my heart.

But you know what?
Lately, I've missed you.
Lately, I've realized
That my love for you has changed and grown deeper.
I'm falling hard--fast.

I love you for who you are.
I love you with every breath of air I take.
I love you for your imperfections.
I love you and that feeling for you will never ever change
Cos I care so much about you.
I truly, deeply care for you.

I'm scared of losing you.
When we're not together, I feel so empty.
It's like this huge part of me disappears
Whenever you're not around.
I feel so incomplete without you.
To be honest, days without you seem dark
With no one to bring the sun into my life.

I don't wanna jump into conclusions
Cos I know I'll only end up hurting myself
And hurting you in the process
So here I am waiting...
...waiting for you to make a move.
Hoping and praying
That you're the right one for me.

So here I am, laying my heart bare
Letting you know how I feel about you.
Hoping and praying
That you feel the same way too.

I wanna let you know that my feelings for you are real.
But somehow I am afraid...
Afraid that you won't love me
The same way that I love you.
... ... ...



A novel was written on Friday, September 23, 2005 at 05:24 pm
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